|Wesley's Handy Guide to Living Off The Government!
||[Apr. 18th, 2005|12:59 pm]
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I've been working at HEB for about six months now as a cashier. During that time, I've discovered how people manage to live practically for free by exploiting government programs and welfare. So here's my handy step-by-step guide to becoming a detriment to society:
1) a) You must be uneducated. The earlier you drop out of highschool, the better.
b) Having recently crossed the border and not knowing any English also works.
2) Get fat. Really fat. Fat to the point of being considered 'disabled.' This forces the government to pay your lazy lardass money for not being able to work.
3) Have at least 4 kids and drag them everywhere you go. Dragging them everywhere makes you look needy. Kids are tax deductible, and they don't have to be fed all that much. The less you feed your kids, the more food is left for you, you do have to maintain your girth, after all. As soon as they turn 5, stick them in a public baby sitting institution (school) and forget 'em, they are no longer your problem.
4) Have the man of the family sit around on his ass all day, drink beer, and watch softcore cable porn. Have the disabled fat mother of the family get a part-time $5.15 an hour job at McDonalds working 10 hours a week, that way you don't actually look lazy, you just officially make $6k a year as a household. Tax refunds will be nice, considering you somehow manage to support 4 kids, yourself, your husband, your house, and two car leases on just that amount. Deductions++.
5) Get on welfare. Since you make under $12k a year, as far as the government knows, you're entitled to federal financial aid.
6) Get on foodstamps. You don't make money, you can't afford to buy food. Let people who work hard and pay their taxes cover your food expenses, they won't mind.
7) Become part of the 'low income housing' program. Paying $300 a month for a three bedroom house is just about right.
8) Buy a dark green '88 Cadillac and put huge gold rims on it. It will help your image.
Hope this helps!
P.S. I hate the people that shop at the HEB on Tezel/Grissom.